Traitor Joe’s, a Texas-based grocery chain known for discount prices on eclectic cowboy foods, is opening today in Haines.  In a news release on Friday, the company announced the surprise grand opening of its first Alaska store. It’s a business endeavor it managed to keep largely below the radar due to the Haines Borough’s strict policy of non-transparency.  And, as KHNS’s Jenn Shetlon reports, the chain store will use its Haines location as a pilot program based on reducing food waste.

 

Before today, April 1st, Alaska was among only eight states without a Traitor Joes.  Executives of the chain have often cited high shipping costs, and extended distribution time frames, as deterrents for opening a store in Alaska.

Traitor Joe’s newest  Branch Manager JoJo Binks spoke with KHNS by satellite phone on Saturday.  Binks is the manager of the new Haines storefront, which is located in the uplands of Lutak dock. There, the store plans to sell its entire line of signature products at the same, low prices found all over the country. 

“Traitor Joe’s is very committed to its low price points and that will be no different in Haines,” Binks said. “We’ll be stocked with all the crowd pleasers. In frozen foods, the Texas Queso Butterscotch Pierogies come in box of eight for $3.49.  In cereal, it’s a hard shell to pass up Cinnamon Crunch Armadillo-Ohs, which ring up for fifteen cents per pound bag.”

Binks says that for the next few months Traitor Joe’s Haines will operate as an open-air kiosk, much like a Farmer’s Market, until the company finishes construction on the permanent structure.  He says that frozen items will be unavailable during this time, but assures customers  that the store will be able to provide its full line of produce in the interim. He says the location’s sinkholes serve as excellent root cellars while the store waits on permits for a refrigeration system.

Binks explains how the discount giant plans to generate revenue for its first fully-fledged Alaskan branch, without compromising its famously low prices.  He says it all comes down to QUOTE “responsible business practices, and a little math-magic.”

“We all know that food waste is driving climate change,” Binks said. “To combat this, instead of throwing out food, we will exclusively be selling our expired and out-of-date stock in our Haines location.”

Alaska is one of thirty states that do not regulate food sales past label dates after Governor Mike Dunleavy vetoed funding for its food safety department.  

Binks told KHNS that after extensive research across all thirty states, scientists found that Alaskans are 6.02 times more likely to buy a rotten vegetable at full price than any other place in the country.  And he said that research cites Haines residents as the overwhelming expired-food consumer within Alaska.

“Compared to the rest of the state, Haines shoppers are 10 to the power of 23 times more likely to buy clearly rotten vegetables at full price,” Binks said. “It’s really an exciting find.  Shelf-life consumer trends in Haines are the exact number we needed to be able to offset shipping prices.  We call it Avocado’s number.” 

The chain is most renowned for its selection of boxed wine.  Enthusiasts rave about the store’s signature brand “Cardboard’eaux”, a line of full-bodied, mealy red-blends which start at $2.99 for twelve liters.  

Of course, Alaska Alcohol Laws prohibit the sale of wine in grocery stores.  However, Binks told KHNS how Traitor Joe’s solved this problem in its Haines branch.

“Technically speaking, our boxes are so vintage that they are no longer wine,” Binks said. “On a molecular level the product is most akin to a robust, earthy Balsamic. Sommeliers have a name for this varietal: ‘Veen-eh-gare.”  

Binks says that to further save on shipping costs and slow down transit times, the store inventory will be shipped using the ferry system, another agency defunded by the Governor. Traitor Joe’s has plans to buy the Manatee-ska, a forty-year-old, possibly seaworthy vessel made of wood.

Binks says that adhering to painstakingly slow and aberrant ferry schedules will help any  non-expired food products meet the Haines branches quality control standards by the time it reaches shelves.

Opponents to the chain say that the new business was ushered in without due process.  And, in a press statement from the Lynn Canal Groceries Board, union leaders joined environmental activists, proving that the store will be used as a front to ship ore.

“Take the name Joe’s,” a spokesperson from the LCG board said. “Spell it out.  J-O-E.  Now take the J and move it between the O and the E.  Ok, you with me?  You’ve got O-J-E.  Now spin the J clockwise, 180 degrees.  What does it spell?  Yep.  You got it.  Ore’s.  Traitor Ores.  It’s undeniable.”

The ribbon cutting ceremony for the first Alaskan Traitor Ore’s, I mean Joe’s, will be at 6:00 p.m. on April Fool’s Day.  Texas Queso Butterscotch Pierogies will be served.